Tender, tragical, hidden romances

Don't laugh at the spinster, dear girls, for often

very tender, tragical romances are hidden

away in the hearts that beat so quietly

under their sober gowns.

~~ Little Women ~~

~~ By Louisa May Alcott ~~

Best Friend Defined

After having a glass (or two) of wine the other evening with a late dinner I must admit that I was feeling a bit contemplative.  My thoughts veered towards those amazing people I call my friends and it got me wondering.

What makes for a friend versus an acquaintance?  In particular what makes for a best friend?  The woman I call my best friend is an amazing woman I’ve known since kindergarten.  That our friendship has lasted twenty-nine years and is still going strong is impressive in and of itself.  She’s the one I call to share those important (and not so important) moments in my life.  But I wonder…do I fill that same role for her?

I know I am an important person in her life.  Her children refer to me as Aunt despite there being no blood relation between us.  But what is it that makes two people best friends?  And can that be a one sided street where Person X considers Person Y their best friend but where Person Y doesn’t consider Person X their best friend?

Maybe it was just the wine talking or maybe I was just feeling a bit down on myself but it does make me wonder…how do we define our friendships with each other and in comparison to those friendships that our friends have with others?

Someone to walk next to me....

George and Ira Gershwin's song "Someone to Watch Over Me" was featured in the movie Mr. Holland's Opus which happens to be one of my favorite movies.  A portion of this song's lyrics that I'm especially drawn to include:

There’s a somebody I’m longin’ to see
I hope that he, turns out to be
Someone who’ll watch over me

While I've taken a bit of liberty in the title for this blog entry I think overall theme is similar.  I'm so very much looking for a guy who'll both watch over me and also walk next to me.

As a friend of mine was leaving a BBQ we were both at Saturday of this weekend we took a few minutes to talk one-on-one.  She too is looking for so many of the same things I'm looking for including better employment, a new home, and that special guy in each of our lives.

We took a moment to recognize that we are very fortunate:

• We both have jobs that, while they may not be our dream jobs (or anything remotely close to our dream jobs), these jobs do pay our bills and enable us each to live a relatively middle-class life.
• We both own our own homes.  While they may not be exactly what we want or where we want it, both of these condos provide us a safe, dry roof over each of our heads which is something that many don't have.
• We have an amazing group of friends as well as families that care about us each in their own unique ways.  When push comes to shove, we both have a safety net that won't let us fall too hard, too fast.

That being said, we reflected on those things that we're both struggling with:

• Finding that dream job or at least something better than what we have currently.  My friend currently works three part-time jobs to make her reality work.  I work for a non-profit with an amazing mission but in a position with no room for growth or development.
• Being able to sell our respective condos so that we can each find the new home that we're looking for.  I'm not sure what her dream home is but mine is a house closer to the city with a great layout for entertaining more.  While there's plenty on the market that fits that description, I can't purchase anything new until I've sold the condo that's been on the market for over two years.  In my mind, I know that taking this long to sell a condo is mearly a sign of the times but it doesn't make it an easier a pill to swallow when all I want to do is sell the condo I bought eight years ago that I never dreamed I'd still be in this long.
• Finding that special guy to spend our lives with.  We're both amazing, strong women who are more than capable on our own.  That being said, neither of us ever imagined getting to the age we're at now as single women.  We'd both love to find those special guys who'll watch over each of us.
• Having families that don't really understand where we're coming from as single women in our mid to late thirties.  They've either written us off as the "spinster aunt" or say something to the effect that it's  "too bad you didn't get married earlier when you had a chance".  Never mind that we may never have actually had "a chance" to get married earlier since, at least in my case, I've never been proposed to before.
• Having familes that compare us to our siblings as well as to the children of their friends who are out doing "amazing things".  While others may be doing said "amazing things" such as getting an advanced degree, getting married, having children, doing X, Y, or Z in the community we're basically told that, despite all that we both do already for ourselves, for others we care about as well as within the community, we're going no-where quickly and that we should do more to be like the aforementioned siblings and / or children of their friends.

My friend and I finished our conversation by reminding ourselves that we're in good company.  We're not alone and in fact are surrounded by many amazing fellow single people both our age and older who are also navigating a single life.  We do have someone to walk next to even if it isn't the prince charming we've dreamed of for so long.

And maybe that friend who walks beside us through both the think and the thin is worth more than the prince who might just ride off into the sunset on his white horse.  I know this in my mind.  Now if only I could get my heart to understand as well.

Is the grass always greener?

So often I hear what is referred to as the "grass is greener" speech from my friends who are in relationships (married or otherwise) on how they envy parts of my single life.  According to them, I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

Since the “grass is greener” in my single life, I can eat out without having to compromise on where to eat.  Even better, I can eat out without kids, a diaper bag, a stroller, etc. and go to more than just those few restaurants that serve the ONE food that their kids will actually eat this week.  Not only is the grass greener but it’s also weed-free in my world enabling me to take off for an out-of-town trip without having to worry about anything other than my government-issued form of ID being up-to-date and confirming that mail delivery had been stopped.  I have, again according to this theory, a ton of disposable cash on hand since I don’t have to pay for childcare, activities for the kids (i.e. camp, music lessons, etc) and all of the other costs associated to having children.  The list goes on and on (and on) on how my world is coming up roses.

Of course what my friends don’t realize is that many of those meals out are meals eaten alone (see my first blog for my thoughts on that whole topic).  And those possible out-of-town trips, while amazing in theory, are dependent on finding someone else whose single or able to get away from their significant other and kids to go with which happens VARY rarely.  Or it involves traveling alone or as the third wheel.  Let’s be honest though, who really wants to go to some of the more romantic locations either alone or as the third wheel?

As for that excess disposable cash…don’t even get me started on the amount of money I’ve spent on gifts for things such as baby showers, first communions, birthdays, Christmas, baptisms, etc.  Not to mention the money I’ve spent on my friend’s weddings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, bridesmaid costs, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I love spoiling my friends and the children in my life rotten and I do so because of this love for those in my life but it adds up quickly.  Especially since I’m not just buying for the kids of one set of parents, I have over ten children who I’m regularly buying presents for in one form or another!

I’ll get off my soap-box now but I do ask that you remember that where you see green grass I may see weeds.  My married friends may enjoy that meal out sans kids whereas I might prefer a home-cooked meal since it’s something I don’t often take the time to make for just myself as one single person.  I may love your kids dearly but every once in a blue moon I might want to spend some time with YOU and not playing with your kids.  Remember that while the grass is greener on my side of the fence from where you’re looking, I’m on the opposite side of the fence looking back towards your side of the fence and thinking the opposite – that your side of the fence looks greener from where I’m standing!

What's in a name?

One of the first things you do when starting a blog is, among other things, come up with a name for it.  In my opinion, you want the blog's name to reflect what you plan to write about and / or gear the name towards those you hope with read said blog.  As I thought about these things, I came up with a list of possible blog names that included:

• Table for One
• Reservation for One
• Single in the Suburbs
• The Single Life
• Searching For....
• Looking Forward
• Teaching Myself
• In Search of Self
• Forward Thinking
• One Step Forward
• Best Foot Forward

And wouldn't you know it...all of those names are already existing blogs within this blog site?!?!  Clearly great minds are thinking alike but it amazed me as to how many of the options that first came to my mind had also already come to the minds of others.  Are there really that many of us who are single and searching for something (whatever that something is) to move us forward?

That got me thinking.  What are we singles looking for?  How do each of us go about finding whatever it is that we're looking for?  Are we looking to enhance what we already have or do a complete 180 degree change?  How will others respond to the changes we want?  For that matter, how will WE respond to the changes each of us want?  Do others realize / understand / respect the changes we view as important?

I can't say that I have this all figured out but it does give me pause to think that maybe I'm not the only one out there wondering what that next step will be and who is questioning on how to take the first step to get to where the path may lead.

Favorite Quote

Unfortunately, I don't know who to give credit to for this quote but it is one of my favorites....

"To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

May we all find that one person to whom we're the world!

The First Blog

To blog or not to blog...that is the question!

We as humans are by our very natures social creatures who want, if not need, to share our lives with others.  As a single woman living in a major metropolitan area, I often wonder what and how much to share.  For safety's sake I don't post on-line when I won't be home or on the flip side when I'll be home alone as you never know who might see what's posted out in cyber space.  Plus I'm an innately private person who typically keeps her cards close to her chest.  That being said, as a singleton who doesn't have someone at home to share my life with and, let's be honest, as a woman in my mid-30s, I want to share my life with someone to feel as if I'm making a difference and leaving my mark somewhere, somehow.

The question becomes...how much can you burden your friends with?  Most of my friends are in relationships (married or otherwise) often with children involved so, while they love me dearly, they can't always relate to my single life.  Not that they don't try...I know they care very much...it's just that we relate on a different level.

For example my best friend who is married with three kids can't relate at all to going out to dinner and getting "that look" when you ask the hostess for a table for one.  Yes, I said it, sometimes I go out to dinner and, gasp, want a table for one.  Not a seat at the bar but an actual table with chairs where a waitstaff comes to take my order and bring me my food.  I'll gladly pay for this service and will tip well for the hard work done by said waitstaff.  But until you've been there and done that you don't know the looks you sometimes get from the hostess who would rather save tables for a seating of multiple people (even if it is only two people) instead of seating one single person by his or herself.