At A Loss

I was headed out to a lunch meeting today for some volunteer work that I do when I got the call.  The call that I've been dreading for a while now.  The call letting me know that someone I care about very much had taken that final turn for the worse and that I needed to make it to the hospital sooner rather than later to say my good-byes before the life support was turned off.

So I went.  I was able to turn the lunch meeting into a coffee meeting.  I was able to hurry back to the office to coordinate coverage for my work this afternoon.  I was able to make it to the hospital with time to say goodbye to someone I've cared about for so many years.  I was able to support my dear friend (the daughter of the patient in the ICU who was about to lose his long battle) whose father was, in many ways, like a second father to me.

It was a bit of a hurry up and wait.  We hurried to come together...his wife, children, and two of us who have known the family for so long that we're like "bonus kids" and then we waited.  We hurried to get through prayers with a leader from the church and then we waited.  We waited and waited as the various steps to increase the pain medication were gone through that ultimately resulted with the turning off the life support.  And then we waited some more.  For you see, the man in the bed in the ICU knew he was surrounded by loved ones who so very much cared about him and he wasn't quite ready to go yet.

And then, with a final breath, with all of us surrounding him, he passed away.  His daughter, my dear friend, quietly cried and leaned onto me for support.  The other "bonus child" in the room leaned on my other side for support.  And we all cried.  We all stood at a loss for this man who we had loved so much and who had, in his own way, loved us in return.

Certainly we know that he's in a better place and out of pain.  Of course we know that, at some level, he knew that, in those final moments he was surrounded by those who love him so dearly.

But it still hurts.  It hurts to know that his strong determination and (let's be honest) stubbornness won't be there the next time we get together.  It hurts to know that someone we care about so much is gone.

Being okay

Meeting Pilot Boy

After nearly two years of talking via phone, Skype, text, and FaceTime on our phones, "Pilot Boy" and I finally met last night.

He flew in yesterday evening with a fly out scheduled for this morning.  I had afternoon / dinner plans with a friend yesterday so we met up after I was done with my dinner plans giving him time to get settled into his hotel room and changed out of his work uniform.

"Pilot Boy" and I talked, hung out, and had a good-night kiss.  It was a normal, well-adjusted first meeting / first date.  He was more of a gentleman than I was prepared to give him credit for which impressed me.  Of course the fact that he was dog tired and we ended up cutting the date shorter than I would have otherwise wanted is a minor detail however beggars can't be choosers...a first date / meeting is still a first date / meeting.  Especially considering what it's taken for us to get to this point of actually meeting in person.

As he was scheduled to fly from Chicago to St. Thomas for work this morning with an immediate return flight back to Chicago this afternoon and an overnight layover, we had tentative plans to meet again this evening for dinner and to hang out.  Yes, plans to meet twice in one weekend which had me surprised and impressed.  Excited even at the prospect of a second date.

But of course "Pilot Boy" pulled his usual routine of having "something suddenly come up".  This time he had an "upset stomach all day" leaving him in a position where all he wanted to do was check into the hotel and relax this evening without seeing me tonight.  Certainly I understand and respect not feeling good, especially when you're away from home, where all you want to do is curl up alone and get better.  On the flip side, I'm frustrated that he just keeps giving me what, on the one hand, could be genuine glitches to our plans or, on the other hand, could just as equally be a dose of BS crap to get out of seeing me.

I suppose only time tell with where this may lead if it in fact has any potential to lead anywhere past where we're at now.  My only hope is that he can "man up" and be honest with what he does or doesn't want in regards to me.  While I have a lot to offer, I get that I'm not the ideal woman for every guy and I'm okay with that.  But if I didn't meet his expectations after we meet in person, I just wish that he'd be honest instead of feeding me a line before heading out of town.  Is that too much to ask?

Direction-less

A friend of mine recently posted this on Facebook and it made me chuckle....

I believe there is a person out there for every one of us, mine just got lost and does not want to ask for directions.

Childless Mother's Day

Mother's Day....the one Sunday a year set aside for mothers in our lives.  Whether they're our moms, grandmothers, step-mothers, or "mom figures" we set aside this day to celebrate them.  While my own mother and I don't have a close relationship I support this holiday and celebrate her and all of those amazing women in my life who have acted as mother figures filling the gap between me and my own mom.

That being said, as a 35 year old woman who hasn't been fortunate enough yet to get married or have children (and who very much wants to be married and is starting to seriously question possibly wanting children) today is a tough day for me.  (Is this that mysterious biological clock I've heard about?!?!)

In the days leading up to today, many well intentioned people have wished me a happy mother's day.  From the checker at the grocery store to the woman at the front desk at my doctor's office, people look at women of a certain age and assume that we're mothers.  And they, for all the right reasons and with nothing but the best of intentions, wish us a happy mother's day despite the fact that I, and many people like me, don't have children.  Some are childless by choice and some not as much by choice but instead by circumstance.

On the outside I smile and say thank you.  I recognize the well intent being offered and take it as such.  But on the inside, I cringe and fight back a well of emotion.  I struggle to not let my disappointment at being single, never married and childless at my age not get to me.  I force myself to remember that being single and childless has it's advantages too.  But it's a tough, emotional struggle.

I'm very lucky to have many children in my life from my niece and nephew to my best friend's three children who call me aunt to my godson and his sister.  All of these children are a blessing to my life but they're not "my children".  And that leaves me sad and feeling alone on a day like today that celebrates motherhood.

During church this morning my pastor seemed to "get it".  His sermon did focus on this being mother's day but, at the end of the service, he asked all of the women in the congregation to stand up.  At that time, he recognized all of us for whatever role we fulfill in the lives of the children around us.  We may "just" be the aunt, teacher, godmother, or friend, but we all serve some type of "mom role" at some point and in some way.

Time Flies

Growing up my mother always said that the older you get the quicker time goes.  As a kid I thought she was crazy but the older I've gotten the quicker time seems to fly by and I'm thinking she may be on to something.

Where has the time gone and how are we really over a third of the way through 2012?!?!?!  We're experiencing April showers (a bit late) and will hopefully soon have those May flowers.  We're starting to look at Memorial Day which means that summer is just around the corner.

While life has kept me busy and enjoying myself, I'm not quite sure where the time has gone!

A lesson in relaxation